Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Just saw the tums commercial with the corn dog smacking the guy in the face. It would be much better if it was the girl getting smacked with the corn dog.

   38sec -The male minute-

   Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??

   Thinks some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

   doesnt have a beer gut.Its a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   doesnt get it...Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   knows for a fact that the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth!

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   Dora: where are we going? Me: to candy mountain! :D

   when I was younger my mum would always give me my food by saying "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" with the spoon. I always ate it as I was afaid if not she wouldnt untie me from the railway lines!

   heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   My boss asked why I was so late. I said this guy had lost £20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, I said No, I was standing on it.

   Me and my 2 friends can satisfy any women...Yup me and my good friend VISA and M/C...

   trying to get in touch with his feminine side, a friend of mine bought a book called "How to Hug". Little did he know that it was actually the 9th volume of the encyclopedia!