Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dry Clean Only = Dirty Shirt

   Happy "Let's watch a bunch of idiots eat an ass-load of hot dogs on ESPN" day!!

   I hate to go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and remember all the men, woman and children killed in that horrific alien invasion.

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.

   I bet Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.

   A silly woman will look at what a man drives. A wise woman will look at what drives the Man.

   Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

   My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended."

   Todays Experience : Apologizing to someone whether its our mistake or not is a matter of our dignity and self respect..We feel a lot better when a misunderstanding is cleared ..

   I'm wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that.

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! --->"

   Picnics are dumb because five minutes after you eat your sandwich you're just a jackass in the park sitting on a blanket.

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   Happy 4th of July!!! Enjoy: BBQing, setting off fireworks, and if you live in the country, shooting at random sh!t.

   Women beg for love wit sex and guys beg for sex wit love.

   I plan on rivaling the military with my own explosive version of "shock and awe" this evening!