Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas

   if you have never given yourself troll hair while taking a bath .. then you probably don't have a soul

   Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   We cant pretend to be strangers when I have seen you naked!

   Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?

   I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.

   The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors

   procrastination personified.

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.

   whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in front of mirror in bathrooms and showing on people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   When I really want a chick to know I'm ballin', I get her something from the vending machine and ignore the change

   Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

   Am I the only one that thinks it's creepy for women to call their men "Daddy"?

   Hated by many, wanted by plenty, disliked by some, confronted by none! If you don't like just REMEMBER it's mind over matter! I don't Mind and you don't matter!

   Won a time machine on eBay. Disappointed when I received a damn clock.