Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show

   sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

   A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive

   if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   Statistically, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to hell in multiple religions.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield

   Who else thinks ambulances and fire trucks would be more efficient if they played "Move b!tch, get out the way" instead of using a siren?

   Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

   I have enjoyed my Childhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery.

   When someone says to me "hi how are you" I say "high how are you" and they never seem to get it.

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me

   How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar

   From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.