Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Its funny that my dad has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987

   I admit youre funny on facebook.... But I will never talk to you in real life. EVER!

   Facebook:........-Log on -Check notifications -Poke everyone back -Go on homepage -Do the happy birthday ritual -Go back to homepage -Change from Top news to Most recent -Have a little scroll down -Like a couple of pages -Youre damn bored already...

   LIKE if you hate when someone tags you in a horrible picture.

   I'm texting random phone numbers with "I just saw your Facebook Status. LOL"!

   Alright ladies that b!tch and moan about men all the time....Either find a girlfriend or STFU and join in the game!! You're either with us or against us!!

   relationship without trust is like a car without gas. you can stay in it as long as you want but it won't go anywhere

   apparently people dont like it when I tell the truth.... well honestly IDGAF!! :)

   if they started putting missing childrens pis on beer cans instead of milk cartons, they'd be found within 15 mins..

   I just want to see one serial killer yell "you're on Scare Tactics!" then finish the job!

   Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   something about a "BOEhner reBUTTal" just doesn't sound right.

   The NFL lockout is over!! Great timing, since women's soccer is now over. I can never decide which to watch!

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   thinking..​.throughou​t history, there have been places where great and creative minds have gathered to become greater...​it is more than likely that facebook is not one of those places....

   Attention to all the mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house, please form a line......its what she would've wanted.

   Amy Winehouse dead at 27?!? Wow! If only there had been warning signs...

   men think about sex every 7 seconds, which is the exact reason I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds...So it doesn't get weird

   To-Do List : Nothing[✓]

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.