Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting

   welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press that share button.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting we

   Went to Wendy's the other day, after seeing their new dollar menu, I have to ask "Where's the Beef"?????

   Im still waiting for customer service but Ive exhausted all my dance moves to their hold music, now damn what?

   From now on if you type, LOL you should have to submit a video proving it.

   I wish relationships were Mon-Fri, 9-5 that way id have my nights and weekends free

   You know your drunk when you get home from the bar, then grab and throw your hamster yelling "go pikachu!"

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.

   changing my iPhone signature to say, Sent from my bathroom.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once Id like to see a drug commercial that says, May cause extreme awesomeness.

   I went to a "family style" restaurant, they yelled at me the whole time.

   Hi, may I help you?" "No I just waited 15 mins in the line to say Hi.

   My girlfriend is a porn star, she's going to be so pissed when she finds out.

   There's nothing quite like a 10 penny nail thru the arch of your foot!

   The Mississippi delta was shining like a national guitar.....

   You're like the moron that brought a knife to the gun fight and then bragged about how sharp it was..

   tha a scar on your face? oh sorry thats just your mouth.