Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i see dead people...but only when squinting

   there are two types of people in the world; Those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money

   You can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on Facebook, but that won't make you stop staying "WTF?" when that number goes down by 1....

   If you ever see me in person, don't poke me. In real life I loathe when folks do that. Unless you give me the numbers and expiration date first on your card and you show me 2 ID's.

   Going into McDonald's and asking for a salad is like going into a brothel and asking for a hug

   A woman who does not like sex has no business getting into relationships. Stay on the sidelines and be a spectator.

   It's not considered a "mood" if you're always in it. At that point, it's just YOU being a D-BAG!

   Do you really have "haters" or are people just telling the truth and you're actually just an a$$hole? Check into that for us. .

   If you are a woman and you dont like or enjoy sex, please tell me right away before I invest my feelings and money in you. What I am really looking for is a proud nympho.

   Meatloaf passed out at another concert, but wouldn't cancel the show. No he won't do that, oh no, he won't do that.

   Will be open for Flirting from 8pm - 2am, Monday - Sunday.

   If there were no women on earth, I would have left this god forsaken planet a long time ago. I am strictly here for the women, everything else is just a bonus. Women make my stay here worthwhile.

   If a professional athlete wants more $ because they out play their contract then they should get less $ when they under play their contract.

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   I'm going to install a horn for the back of my car for retaliatory, defensive honks.

   "The guy you dreamed of isn't available, so they sent me instead." What all dudes should say on a first date.

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   My little sister's password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

   I'd go to the gym more but you have to park like 2 blocks away!

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.