Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you gonna take 15 minutes to text back huh? That's fine, I'll take 20...

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...should we give that a try?

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   Lies usually spread faster than the truth because there are always damn more of them.

   I like to think that every time firemen get a call they're like "Yaaay! We get to ride in the truck!" then they laugh & tickle each other

   I laugh when someone I just met gets mad at me and expects me to care. Like, wtf. I don't give a s**t about you! I don't even know you!

   I wish we could all just get along. Unless you don't like the same music as me; then you can eat sh!t & die in a fire.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   Thank goodness no one can see what I have open on my other tabs while on Facebook. All I have to do is make sure I don't accidently hit like.

   My heart has a combination lock on it,figure out the code and you can have whats inside <3

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and he waved...next time wave with all ALL your fingers!!

   so sick of double standards. If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a "ho"...bu​t if a guy does the same thing, he's "gay".

   needs some comfort food.. Oh wait! I ate it already.. :-/

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   in a land of chimpanzees I was a monkey

   apparently I celebrated International Beer Day Eve a little to much last night

   McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'

   I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one

   Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it