Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lord gimme patience...or an untraceable handgun.

   Sometimes The Best Thing To Say Is Nothing. Some People Are Not Even Worth Your Words.

   The day I get my license is the day you get hit by a car.

   HER: "You've changed." ME: "Yes. I can't help it, I'm a transformer!"

   Just passed some guy flying a confederate flag on the back of his ragged out Honda Goldwing wearing a Jolly Rodger Helmet, with a Connecticut license plate. I laughed so hard I almost missed my turn!

   there's nothing worse than watching a movie preview with action, guns, explosions, fighting, people dying, hot chicks, and.....a PG-13 rating!!

   I was wondering why some wizards in Harry Potter are so much more powerful than others. Then it dawned on me. Midichlorian count.

   does anyone find it a bit distasteful that the movie Soul Surfer was released during "Shark Week"? I'm just saying!

   "Pot is bad, buy more alcohol." - Anheuser-Busch Lobbyist

   You know you're getting old when you hide the year of your date of birth on your profile.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   What's more unattractive to me than a woman who smokes? One who destroys her body with countless tattoos and piercings. Seriously, just stop. It's not sexy.

   You expect kids to behave when tarzan lives half naked, cinderella comes home midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is king of thieves, Batman drives at 200mph, sleeping Beauty is lazy & snow white lives with 7 guys?

   This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. 

   If you are a Dude. and your wallpost showed how excited you Were about Jersey Shore Last nite. Your Automatically Gay!

   Facebook Status: HOME ALONE!!! 42 Thieves, 27 Rapers, The Chupacabra and the Boogeyman likes this.

   My girlfriend says that I treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for her self.

   Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.

   I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund.