Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men should always wear condoms because women carry diseases like emotions and pregnancy.

   Her make up make me wanna call her RACCOON.

   If I dont respond after 3 texts, get the hint.

   People worth dating are nearly impossible to come by.

   You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.

   Don't underestimate me. That's my family's job.

   I haven't been ignoring you. I've been prioritizing you.

   Sometimes Karma does not even want to get involved, it just wants to sit and watch because it knows, sooner or later, they are bound to screw up all by themselves.

   Why are Gay people so sensitive? If you can take a d*ck, surely you can take a joke..

   Trying to write a country song. What rhymes with, My dog drank all my beer and my wife left me?

   The 6 LEAST POPULAR Nursing Home Games:6 Simon says Something Incoherent 5.Pin the Toupee on Baldy 4. Hide and Go Pee 3. Musical Dentures 2. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 1 And of course Kick the Bucket.

   GHETTO word of the day:CHINO, Chino like it when I spend my whole paycheck on beer

   taken what I can get.. But I am not settling for anything less than what I want..

   TLC has announced that Kate +8 has been cancelled and has been replaced with a new show Casey -1.

   I want a phone that does everything but ring.

   Never trust a dog to watch your food.

   I don't exactly hate her but if she is in fire and I have water I will drink it

   When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.

   i like your teeth...yellow is my favorite colour

   There's probably no problem in the world that can't be resolved by a good ol' fashioned Facebook survey.