Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry Al-Qaeda. but our Congress has been the better terrorist group for decades. They've been killing people mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, and of course economically. You're mad because you hate being #2.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   Netflix is raising their prices again?! This sounds like a job for Hacker Group Anonymous!

   think I will go to the mall and watch people trip on an escalator

   We were so enamored that we forgot to check his qualifications

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.

   they're are moments in life. Moments when you know u've crossed bridge and your old life is over. I'm into action. I have arrived!

   How can you tell when your wife is dead? Well the sex is pretty much the same but the dishes start piling up.

   My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

   There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was