Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy driving a beat up car with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is a Porsche ." Why isn't he driving that other car then?

   People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem and huge boobs

   Jennifer Lopez got "On The Floor" and Marc Anthony let it "Rain Over Her."

   heard in the news today that Ecstasy is being used to combat cancer. I'm not sure if the researchers testing this have ever done Ecstasy before, but if you get the right hit of E and you will forget that you have anything wrong with you.

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   If your mouth is shut in all your pics, we assume that you have funky teeth!!

   On a walk, my son saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Iphone..

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, you're here. Coincidence?

   I hate when I miss a call by a few seconds, call the person back and they don`t answer.

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty

   My family loves the Patriot Gaurd Motercycle Riders who shielded us at my nephews military funeral. At the next military funeral I want to also invite the Hell's Angels to give the same love to those protesting hatemongers that they give to others.

   I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   The Patriot Gaurd Motorcycle Riders were awesome at protecting my family from a$$hole Westboro Baptist Haters at my nephews military funeral. Maybe the Hell's Angels to also come and give the same love those hatemongers give others at the next funeral.

   What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   5 Jobs Westboro Baptist Haters can do instead of protesting Military Funerals: 5) UFC grappling dummies 4) Product testers 4 Fleet's Enema Co. 3) Fear Factor game taste testers 2)Pridefest Clean Up Crew 1) HumanShields 4 R Troops since IEDs R from God.

   oday I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again.

   I just cut a coupon for Adderall off the back of a box of Lucky Charms.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p