Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its shake weight time, minus the shake weight.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   I see they now have a candle scent called "Maple Butter". Nice, but "Maple Butter with Bacon" would be oh so much better.

   To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!

   Once you go Facebook - You never go back.

   A man buys a box of tampons for his old lady, and the cashier asks, "Do you want me to put these in the bag". The man replies, "No, I think she can do it by herself."

   Dear Michele Bachmann, Hurricane Irene was a warning from God... That you SHOULDN'T run for President in 2012. Best Regards.

   My friend posted on Facebook saying, "Rhianna is the greatest artist evar <<<<3" For some reason she got annoyed when I said, "No way, Chris Brown beats Rhianna any day!"

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.

   Fellas: Silence doesn't always mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

   "I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "Where's Narnia"

   Be a fountain, not a drain.

   Strong are those that accept the nothing they get and then mold it into something.

   Mom: I found this condom while I was cleaning your room. Are you sexually active? Girl: No. I just lay there.

   A five year old asked, “Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was?” Mommy replied, “Yes, but only for a minute.”

   anyone's Facebook acting strange today? Mine just tried to fondle me....

   Thank god I found the good in goodbye because I went through hell from the moment I said hello.