Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

   You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things 1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing 2. Always put on clean underwear before going out 3. Never snort black pepper 4. Always be kind

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

   I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

   My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

   If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

   Top 5 Zones 5 – Twilight 4 – O 3 – End 2 – In the 1- Cal

   Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   [on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

   A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

   eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

   Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be looters. Because the mamas who let their babies grow up to be cowboys are gonna have them kick your babies' sorry a$$es.

   Thinking of getting a portable hand held air horn to help remind people not wearing a mask to keep away from me.

   Somewhere Dr. Fauci is screaming that we must limit the stores to 10 looters at a time.

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam