Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

   I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   Today I saw a baby with a onesie that said "Mommy only wanted a backrub."

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, I'll still have to buy christmas gifts..

   So the wife and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond ,,, and we got a new toilet brush, I tried it out,,,, Yadda..Yadda..Yadda...I think I'm going to stick with toilet paper

   My sleep number is a fat blunt

   man its' boring in the office... okay everyone I have an idea: let's just take off our pants at 13 o'clock simultaneously... this should spice things up.

   [+[__] :] <- Like my Gameboy?

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   My sleep number is Advil

   You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

   The cops sent me a picture of my car speeding through a red traffic light. So I sent them a picture of my cheque. They then sent me a picture of handcuffs, so I sent them a picture of my lawyer. Your move cops.

   Come to think of it, I've never seen a KFC or McDonalds under construction. They just show up!

   B*tch please! You've have had more relationships than my great-grandfather has had birthdays.

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   wants to be carried bathed and shampooed. Like a princess or a quadriplegic :-/

   Some people say saying 'I'm sorry' is a sign of weakness, I think saying 'I'm sorry' takes alot of strength...

   I am not a gynecologist, but I will give you some Frontline for that.

   Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.