Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If sex was part of your CV, how many references would you have?

   Putting on a pretty shirt over my muffin top so I can make it a cupcake

   My orange phone contract needs to hurry up and end soon - my backup paper cups and string are starting to wear out.

   When problems are many, friends are few and spectators are plenty.

   You know its time to move on when you start falling asleep during sex.

   I'm sorry I missed what you said, my bullsh*t filter was switched on

   Its funny how some people treat their relationship like a brand, complete with a pitch, advertising campaign and an audience.

   live life in the slow lane and get left behind...

   It used to be that a lady didn't kiss on the first date. But gas is 4 dollars a gallon, 1 date counts as 3 now.

   When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "mosquito."

   Sometimes, in order to get a clearer picture of things, you must take a few steps back.

   While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.

   You still mean everything to me, but you're just not worth the fight or my time and effort anymore.

   Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the b**ch button.

   You can't change a Hoe Into a Wife just as much as you can't change a Player into a Husband.

   The sickening feeling of disappointment you get when a girl you have a crush on calls you "brother"

   Coffee and cigarettes together it seems are my homebrew version of Ex-Lax

   I am that little chocolate you find when you least expect it and need it the most!!

   you know your joke is bad when you cant even give yourself a thumbs up

   my idea of a situp is when I first get up in the morning