Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

   I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to Corona. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last a week.

   I'm not afraid to admit it. It's time like these that I like go to my "special place", and caress my emotional support firearms.

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last abou

   Who has the guts to tell Shaquille O’Neal that the General has been seen riding around with Snoop Dogg?

   What about the red door ? Do you still want it painted black ?

   I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Ieft on their conquering 2 cartoons, a box of pancake mix and a bottle of syrup.

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   Keep a prayer on your lips and a pistol on your hips. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

   Due to social correctness, BIack Sabbath will now be called, "A Dark Shade Of The Day Of Rest."

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   I’m starting a protest tomorrow. Fat Lives Matter! Meeting at McDonald’s at 10, then KFC at 11 then Burger King at 12

   Bought some glass parts for my chandelier today and got shortchanged. I told him to check his crystal math.

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.