Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A slut does anything for any man, a freak does anything for her man, and a lady does anything for one man.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

   Usually, the easiest thing to do is say you are sorry. But there are times when you realise that in the face of what you have done, saying sorry is just so ridiculous.

   Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you.

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   Somewhere in the world, some stripper is still claiming she is paying her way through college ten years and no degree later.

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   ‎[Status update only available to Facebook® Gold™ account holders]

   I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis

   it ok 2 break up wid a girl if she forcibly makes you watch one of dose stupid twilight movies???

   A little league baseball coach got busted for molesting his 8-year-old players. What the hell? I was in little league. No one even tried to molest me. What was wrong with me? Was I not good lookin enough?

   I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!

   I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans