Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next week I'm going to leave my son home and bring a canned ham to his T-ball practice and see if the coaches notice.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   All I want is to live in a world where kids don't lose their s*** when they see Elmo.

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.

   Anyone mind if I invented a new letter to go between M and N?

   It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.

   All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.

   I'd like to thank my ex for making me see how I shouldn't be treated

   Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?

   With all these toys in the world, people choose "feelings" to play with.

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   Occupying Facebook...

   A man asks a woman, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replies, "I don't drink, it's bad for my legs." He asks, "Do they swell?" Her reply: "No, they spread."

   I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.

   Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.

   My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ

   riding that train high on cocaine!

   How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?

   I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".