Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your forehead?

   EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL...except everyone that is ugly

   All women want is sex. All guys want is to cuddle and have a good conversation.

   Floozies are always talking about their hot bodies and cute faces but never about their brain.

   Dear waiter: Please don't ask me how my food tastes soon after I take a huge bite. Sincerely, My mouth is full so I can't answer.

   Haters gon' hate, potatoes gon' potate.

   Reading old messages, and wondering where it went wrong.

   if you catch your woman having sex with another woman, just say the three magic words, "Tag me in!"

   In elementary, there always seemed to be that one kid who had to deepthroat the water fountain when getting a drink.

   It seems like medicine manufacturers have never tasted freaking fruit before. Funny, I don't remember cherries tasting like an a$$.

   It's time for Dora to discover Google Maps.

   Anything that comes in a spray can doubles as a bug killer.

   The brain is the most important organ you have...According to the brain.

   You know your Old, When they discontinue your blood type.,

   When someone can't pick you up, it's easier to call them weak than to admit that you're fat.

   Admit it, you're just a little bit afraid of having an unattractive child.