Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sluts are like Gary; they only like you for the cookie in your pants.

   tired from going clubbing last night......those baby seals are faster than I thought

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this b!tch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!"

   oh no! Just got an Android phone..And I dont know how to copy an paste! All my friends must think I'm dead!

   I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.

   You know the feeling when someone starts talking to you about all the things you went through together , And you can not remember they name . The wifes just gone fxxcking apesh!t

   If you insist on acting like an idiot then I must insist on treating you like one.

   when I'm at the supermarket I like to look at my cashier straight in the eyes and tell her I see you checking me out girl!!!!

   I think my girlfriend misunderstood me when I asked if we could go to "the outback" tonight!

   I like how you do your makeup. Do you use a brush or just dip your face in?

   WHERE YOUR PEN GOES WHEN YOU DROP IT 3% right where you dropped it 5% 10 feet away from you 92% into another dimension never to be seen again.

   It would be amazing if all restaurants had to end their URLs with ".nom"

   Come on proactiv, don't lie, its not a limited time offer, you've ALWAYS been $19.99.

   I hate it when you're trying to watch proactive commercials but MTV shows keep interrupting.

   do women shake the gas pump after filling up? or is that just a man thing?

   Some people and their damn event invites, they're like the Jehovah Witnesses of Facebook!

   Side Chick Text - why is my name stored under pizza hut in yo phone?

   Evidently, one of the women Herman Cain allegedly sexually harassed was German. When asked to comment, the victim said "Nein! Nein! Nein!"

   My ex-wife told me the real reason she was leaving me is because I was obsessed that band The Monkees. At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face.......

   I apologize for Poking you. Please chill. It's just that I couldn't find the bend over and let me f**k you in the a$$ without a lubricant button.