Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Huh?,, Daylight Saving Time is this weekend?,,,,I'm not going to lose any sleep over it

   "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."

   u don't have to be 15 to be fat & a loser . . . you can be ur age fat & a loser . . . which means i'm probably right . . . just sayin :)

   i don't go trick or treating, I wait the next day and buy the leftover candy on sale

   Women are motivated when they feelloved,Adored,Cherished...Men are simple. They are motivated when they feel....Women!

   Obama advising the Europeans on dept reduction is like asking Bernie Madoff manage your investment portfolio.

   If lesbians hate men so much, then why do they all try to look like truck drivers?

   Not sure if any conformation of this can be found in the scriptures, but I'm fairly certain the "Free Credit Report Dot Com" tune is played non-stop in hell.

   How many people really LOL? Shouldn't it be LQTM (laughing quietly to myself) ?

   I wrote a country song for my ex; its called: "I'm Missin' You, but my aim's gettin' better".

   my alarm clock is covered in fur, has 4 legs, a wet tongue-and NO snooze button! :b

   "Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"

   Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.

   Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....

   its all fun and games till you get tape on your face.

   Blows me away how my friends psychic knows my 90 yr old granny has arthritis ...amazing.!!!

   just saw a one armed man walk into a second hand store.

   the people who you babysit for, you should poke holes in all the condoms and ensure yourself at least five more years of babysitting money.

   If you think about it, most of your friendships stay in the "humor zone", where silences are awkward and must be resolved with laughs. Deep friendships allow you to be yourself instead of just a comedian.