Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti- procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay"

   2012 doesn't mean the end of the world. It just means its time to buy a new Mayan calendar...that's how a f*cking calendar works. It ends.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after things they can't afford... Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Car Insurance.

   I had my family tree done… turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

   well atleast LA knows how to convict GUILTY people . . . maybe FL could learn a few pointers??? . . .

   That terrifying moment; when you rub your eyes for too long and you go blind for like 10 seconds.

   The only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck, it because her momma told her to enjoy the little things in life

   I had a falling out with a co-worker when he found out I slept with his sister. We're cool now. He is even teaching me Spanish. Now I can order steak(Soy un idiota que tiene sexo con las vacas). Thanks Javier!!

   so there I was, stuck behind a bus at a red light. A group of kid turned around and stuck their tongues out at me. So I flipped them off, I'm not goin out like no b*tch!!

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   Don't hang onto what you can live with; grab a hold of what you can't live without!!!

   Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a facebook account & a bottle of booze ...

   Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn...?"

   it me or does Herman Cain's latest accuser, Sharon Bialek, look like Stifler's mom?

   SORRY HATER I don't speak bulls**t; but, I do know sign-language now, read my middle finger.

   If you leave out Weight Watchers cookies I will burn your house down. - SANTA

   Don't do upon others what you wouldn't have them do upon you...well unless she ASKS you to put it in there.

   Growing old is a requirement, Growing up is an option..

   We are PERFECTLY, wrong for each other.