Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wake up, stare at the ceiling, I'm alive, what a beautiful feeling

   Me: If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time. She: If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose.

   The weekend crowd here is hard to please.

   Justin Bieber denies the pregnancy rumours saying there is no way he could be pregnant because he has been on the pill for the past year.

   you don't realize the importance of things until they are taken away from you

   You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them.

   Time travel ..0ne hr back in time tonight..i wonder how different every thing will be.

   Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

   Last night I got so drunk that I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you.... but I've never driven a bus before.

   I'm sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.

   Whoever said "Mom knows best" has obviously never heard of Eve.

   crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a padded room they said I was nuts . . . nuts? squirrels like nuts . . . squirrels are crazy! . . . crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a paddes room they said I was nuts . . .

   My favorite thing about senior citizens is their medicine cabinets.

   I'm looking forward to going back in time tonight.. between 1:am to 2:am you can do whatever you want only to have it all erased when you go back in time!..I've got plans! ;)

   You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

   WARNING: If you forget Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, you may come in early and inadvertently make Monday an hour longer.

   N.W.A. didn't need the "W.A." The "N." established a pretty clear tone.

   It is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console.

   Don't know about you but i'm turning MY clock back to 1980!!!

   It is amazing how life is full of the most beautiful things, some people see them as beautiful and bright, some see them as dark and mysterious, is there always a bright light at the end? I'm just glad I can see them!