Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two stunning 12 year olds.

   Sometimes you just wanna get hit by a car and sometimes you just want to be the one driving and hit someone else.

   Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies

   It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",

   Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies..

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"

   If there was ever a Titanic themed party and you couldn't figure out what to go as, you could always go as an iceberg and crash the party.

   tonight we get to time travel & wont even need a delorean

   The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.

   I hate daylight savings. Twice a year I have to set my alarm and get up at two in the morning to set my clock.....Damn.

   The economy is so bad, the only thing that get's paid back nowadays is the hour that Daylight Savings Time borrows from Standard Time.

   My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman

   'People were meant to be loved & things were meant to be used. The confusion in this world is that people are used and things are loved!'

   I am tired of living in a world with adults that still believe in imaginary beings, I am even more tired of living by the decisions adults make based on their beliefs in imaginary beings.

   Andy Rooney vapor locked today at age 92. I don't want to say he was old, but I heard his Social Security number was "1".....RIP you miserable old fart!

   There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.

   Usually I am a loving person, but there are two things in this world I have failed to love, JUSTIN BIEBER AND TWILIGHT MOVIES.

   You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.

   currently in the planning stages for a hangover.