Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   A life without love is like a year without summer.

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.

   The only other thing more popular than Facebook's "Like" button is MySpace's "Delete Account" button.

   50,000 battered women....and i'm still eating mine plain

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. If he said he's busy tonight, the side chick is you.