Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew you clothes a little bit tighter every night!

   Bad relationships are like speed bumps. They force you to slow down and think about where you're headed.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.

   A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.

   Sometimes pissing with morning wood is harder than solving a Rubik's cube.

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   If I wanted your opinion...I'd ask you to fill out the neccesary forms!

   I wonder if I'm the only one who hopes they didn't take Jerry Sandusky's shoe laces away when they booked him into jail.

   If I want your opinion I'll remove the duct tape.

   Whenever someone sasy: "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." What they really mean is: "I am a giant a**hole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate rhyming, make me a sandwich.

   Irony…the opposite of wrinkly.

   I made a donation to some guy who solicited me from the Occupy Movement. I mailed it to "Occupant".

   The embarrassing moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.