Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip #6: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

   What's so appealing about the confederate flag? I just don't get it.

   Just ate at a new combination pizzeria/Buddhist temple. Their motto: Give Pizza Chants.

   I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

   it a bad thing when your only form of social interaction is when the dryer buzzer goes off? Asking for a friend..

   you wanna get into my pants, feel free. They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

   My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

   Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

   Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest

   [invention of the milkshake] drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

   I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

   I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath. Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

   I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   Somebody just asked casually if I have a webcam, I can only assume they want to see my junk.

   Say what you will, but Rush Limbaugh is a star. By star, I mean a large, gassy object that can be seen from a distance.

   Cleaned all the spare change out of a old couch I'm about to throw out and think I found just enough to buy a new couch.