Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a resturant yesterday and I ordered the soup of the day. When they brought it I said, "This is chicken noodle soup. On the sign it says that the soup of the day is clam chowder." The waiter told me that because it's a leap year, all the soups ar

   NOT 1 MAN ANYWHERE IN HISTORY HAS EVER LOOKED AT A WOMAN AND SAID , YEA SHE'S PRETTY BUT IF ONLY SHE DREW HER EYEBROWS ON SHE'D BE SMOKIN HOT .

   When I get bored, I like to call in sick to places that I don't work. Today, I am getting written up at Kohl's.

   Already messed up 2024. Maybe 2025 will be my year.

   Today is 2/366. This is a leap year, which means the earth gave you an extra day to make things how you want.

   Not to brag but cashier's always check me out.

   I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.

   Any website can be a dating website... if you're from India.

   I’m not sure what to wear to the living room for New Year’s Eve. I might not even go.

   Okay now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for summer!

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Instead of your New Year resolution centering around smoking and dieting, how about working on not being an asshole?

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Funny Christmas

   After Christmas

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Today I roasted a chicken. He pretended to laugh but I think I actually rattled him a little bit.

   OK, what genius decided to call them "Falsies" and not "Delusions of Glandular"?

   The reason it's called laSAGna, is because after you eat as much of it as I do, parts of your body being to "sag on ya."

   There's no profit in healthy people.