Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   If a woman marries a man who already has grandchilden, does that make her an Instagram?

   A new study found that drinking pop is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, pop is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the heck's the point man?

   A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

   My neighbor man came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Ten should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy...

   Remember, if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

   I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.

   My back doesnt start hurting until I put on my work clothes.

   One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   If you're cold, stand in the corner. It's usually 90 degrees

   Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…...sh*t she’s coming. To be continued.

   it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how strange it is?

   I was going to tell a railroad joke, but I lost my train of thought.

   Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.