Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Menstruation? Should be called Men-Frustration at this point.

   My favourite part of Football is when they feed the players water like they’re Hamsters

   hooray! you are the 99th person to view this message. Press command + w (or ctrl+w) to earn your prize :)

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Kids, beer is low in vitamins so it's important to drink lots of them.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that

   I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!

   BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes by April 15 because 30+ million illegal aliens are depending on you

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me...this is not the world I want to raise my 32 dependents in! 😉

   If what you have to say to me is going to take longer than the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" just don't! I won't be listening anyway

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.