Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down!

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

   "i refuse to get a microchip implanted in me by means of a vaccine needle" okay? And? thats like saying "i refuse to swallow motor oil by means of drinking milk"

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.

   If Biden had a quarter for every smart thing he ever said, he’d have two dimes.

   To devote yourself to one man, and worshiping him like a god seems pretty...well...you know.....gay.

   My favorite song about spring is "Blowin in the Wind" by Peter, Pollen Mary.

   The secret to being social after the pandemic is to delete your Facebook account.

   Thought I'd cook for the wife last night. Got to the part where the recipe said "Now chill in fridge for 1 hour". I could only stand it for like 20 minutes - it was cold and really crowded in there....

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   I'm incredulous over the fact that changing the name and picture on a pancake box has yet to result in racial unity.

   Remember when Tom Brady threw a pick six in Super Bowl LI then gave up? Yeah, neither does anyone else...

   Seems to me that UFOs may just be billionairs from other planets?

   I'm awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.