Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually go to the bathroom in a day.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player..

   I can say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed.

   Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.

   I really admire China at this years olympics. They use the same athlete for every event!!

   my future depends on my dreams so I think il go to sleep'

   Remember the Fable of the Tortoise & the Hare. They were both soup the next day.

   At some point the possum actually dies. Then all that practice finally pays off.

   Everyone go get vaccinated so we don't prove Darwin's theory of natural selection to be correct.

   My friend just asked me if I'd seen his dog bowl......I was amazed and asked "What's his Average"

   What do I know about Bonsai trees? Very little.

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Watching the matrix oh wait no, this is my facebook new feed.

   I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

   “Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

   Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

   What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?

   There's a fine line between "I've got nothing to do today except look at facebook" and "I've got nothing to do today because I'm looking at facebook"

   Remember when times were precedented.

   If you see someone crying, ask if is because of their haircut.