Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flexibility is essential for mind stability

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   never forget, you are a part of the universe that became sentient for a while and decided to post pictures of cats on the internet

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Padhai nahi ho rahi, kyunki mere bed ka gravitational pull kitni strong hai, ye mere books bhi confirm kar chuki hain

   So….Apparently driving past a cop…. While drinking water….from a vodka bottle…isn’t funny and is technically wasting police time.

   Our childhood didn't prepare us for the amount of time we were going to say F^CK as adults

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   I'm not homophobic. I'm pro-vagina.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   My patience is basically like a Gift Card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.

   The Backstreet Boys are now doing Downy fabric softener commercials, which means their career is officially over.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Blacks comprise 13% of the US population. The exception being daytime TV court shows. Then it's 99%.

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.