Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, just so you know, 'Mansplaining' is short for 'Man Explaining'...

   He had nine days in the desert, why didn’t he take the time to name the horse??

   I'd make a swear jar but I don't have the type of income to keep up with my mouth...

   If you’re not part of the government and you’re pro mandate you should change your name to Karen

   When summer comes and California starts burning, try to act surprised.

   Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty dang expensive.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   A big nose is no excuse to not wear a mask. I still wear pants.

   How things roll is "happy wife = happy life", but just remember, women will never be 100% satisfied, so you might as well go ahead and piss her off.

   sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

   I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

   HR says that putting my pants on doesn’t mean I can take my top off

   He promised us he'll be back in office on August 13th. I have a feeling this won't be a white lie, but an orange lie.

   Bucket List #82: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   i remembee when I was little and I thought my friends turning off the light while I was in the toilet was the worst day of my life

   I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

   Signed up to be an organ donor but they said I have to wait to donate until after I die.

   I'm tired of all these calls from SPAMAZON and SCAMAZON telling me someone placed a large order using my AMAZON account that I don't even have...