Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   I got into a debate with a Flat Earther today . He said he would walk to the edge to prove he's right.... I told him he'd come around eventually.

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   Tonight is the best night of the year to have relations with the old lady…you can set performance records if you start at 1:58 am🤪

   All my post were removed, because someone took A Fence

   I'm already losing an hour on Sunday for daylight savings time. No way in hell am I losing more by watching the Oscars!

   This Sunday, Daylight Saving Time begins. We don't save any daylight. It gets stolen from the morning and is given to the evening. Daylight Stealing Time.

   Somebody ripped a page out of my new 2024 calendar! I'm disMayed!

   When I was a kid, before Facebook, I remember when taking the time out and having to stare at a wall was considered a punishment.

   Anyone else buy bananas that are not only a great source of fiber and vitamins but can also help maintain a healthy heart just to watch them die a slow and miserable death sitting on your counter?

   I'm thinking about taking up Meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

   Told my Cat I was going to teach him English today....He looked up and said... Me? How?

   My Grief Counselor died today. He was so good.. I don't even care!

   President Thomas Jefferson once said, never believe anything you read on the internet.

   Don't you hate it when you start treating someone like they treat you and they suddenly think you're an asshole?

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   In a reel-ationship

   Hey. If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, 'whom'?

   Do Priests delivering Mass use their Altar ego ?

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.