Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few litres at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. Follow me for more tips!

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $75.00 worth of groceries with one hand.

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   Reviving In Progress

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   Remember when Scar in The Lion King promised the hyenas a better life in order to use them to gain power, but when they realised he lied to them they ate him? Something to think about.

   Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   I'm already beginning to feel unburdened by what has been.

   Maybe we were too hard on JJ Abrams for "Somehow Palpatine returned."

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   Eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids cereal. I added milk & drowned the kids.... I'm a CEREAL killer

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   Okay, Halloween's over. Lose the costumes, dump the candy, and if you're over 9 years old, grow the eff up.

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.