Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops...

   Marriage tip: If your wife buys tons of beauty supplies like mine does, just ask her "when they are going to start working". You want to make sure you get the proper bang for your buck.

   In Canada, you just suck!

   In Canada if we say ICE is here it means the lake's frozen and it's ice fishing time .

   I've abused my body so much,the back of my drivers license has a list of Organs I Need !

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependants in.

   My boss calls me, "The computer". Not because of my technical skills but because I apparently go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

   They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel

   My bank just charged me money for not having enough money in the bank. Turns out I can't even afford to be broke.

   Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

   97% of what I worry about, never happens. Apparently worry works.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Every single morning I get hit by the same bike. It's a vicious cycle...

   The weather forecast: Snow possible, anywhere from 0 to 145 inches. Maybe. Could start at 5,6,7,8,9 O'clock. Maybe today or maybe not. Possibly none.

   I don't always get blocked on social media. But when I do, it's usually a good indication I was right and they couldn't handle it.

   I run every day for 20 minutes. If I miss a day I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has really been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 4 months.

   When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to help keep things real 🤣

   The only thing worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to "break up" is her sending another text saying, "Sorry, that wasn't for you".