Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   Tip: If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was in the movies, don’t google ‘old man bond age’ (trust me).

   Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff

   When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.

   Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together.

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   I don't hate you but I'd pay to see you take a Trailer hitch to the shin !

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   Can't wait until November 2nd when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Can't wait until march 9th when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Big ass booty

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like u” Me: with the fan on high

   The waitress at Bob Evans asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.