Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Driver: My pronoun is they. Police: Then here’s another ticket.

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   Right or wrong, make a choice. Life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide.

   When she’s looking for a quick fling and you have a trebuchet in your back yard.

   Describe your boobs using only a picture of them.

   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, read the 4th line, what does it say?

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   You know how old I am? When I was in high school if someone had their underwear sticking up out of their pants we would have given him a snuggie.

   Divorce Log - 2007 I got out of the shower. My wife walked in and I said, "Excuse me, I'm not dressed." She goes, "No kidding. I didn't think you were carrying a wrinkly purse."

   If a Plant is sad, do other plants Photosympathize with it?

   Filled up my Escalade and paid my taxes today. Also, I have a kidney for sale.

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   I was playing Bonopoly today. It's kinda like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

   Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID. It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

   Truth Social has been a bigger bust than 'I Heart Huckabee'.

   As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.