Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I make seven figures but the first two are zero.

   I put two quarters in my ears this morning and thought I was listening to 50 Cent.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating potato chips.

   The greatest thing that we can do for our children, is to abolish the department of education and toss it on the ash heap of history.

   I’m sorry that your terrible behavior caused me to act out of character. You should work on that.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   Trans species man who self-identifies as a deer accidentally shot by hunters. Rest in pieces.

   I have a PHD, P – pretty, H – huge, D

   Football ~ The legal way to buy a nigggaa.

   Hey Gurl, if your phone number turned into money, how much would you have?

   What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked.

   Chris Wallace is having daily breakdowns over CNN+ sucking so bad.

   Censorship is why Twitter is at the bottom of Dante’s Hell.

   The State of Indiana should open an anonymous sperm bank called ‘Hoosier Daddy.’

   I read that low crab meals might help with my dyslexia.

   If Johnny Depp delivered his movie lines with the same speed at which he's testifying during his defamation trial, his films would be 6 hours long.

   Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

   My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

   Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

   A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza