Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.

   I lost my best friend today , I'll never get to see him or hang around or talk to him on the phone again. He got his hand caught in a wedding ring .

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   If you’re being heckled in public like Mike Tyson was, you should legally be able to kick that person’s a$$. This generation thinks they can get away with anything.

   Elon Musk spent 44 billion sending woke narcissists into a spiral of depression and honestly, it was money well spent.

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   How does Melania Trump get ready to dance and strip on stage at her new job? She does a line of coccaine.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   It's not student loan forgiveness, it's just shifting the tax burden from the borrowers to the non-borrowers.

   In other news… Elon musk is now going to also buy McDonald’s so he can fix all the ice cream machines

   Garlic bread takes any meal from a 3 to a solid 10.

   Love when the washing machine gets to the angry part, let it out girl.

   Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.

   Eating spaghetti and my white shirt is like, “let me taste it.”

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.