Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   Lumber shortage, worker shortage, gas shortage, rubber shortage… You know what we don’t have a shortage of right now? Idiots.

   Everything hits different when you’re not supposed to be doing it.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   If I’m ever killed by a mountain lion, my last words were probably, “here kitty, kitty.”

   “I believe everything they say.” They’ve been wrong about literally everything so far. “I still believe everything they say.”

   We’re not drilling for oil here because of “global warming.” But, we’re going to let someone else drill the same amount of oil somewhere else and burn even more oil to get it here. Brilliant.

   We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.

   I have come to the conclusion I will never achieve my dream of being a Soul Train dancer...

   I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. I now sneak out of parties to go to my house.

   Had 2 activate a old flip phone you have 2 press every letter 3 times 2 form a letter which makes it hard 2 text & it's really slow which makes it hard 2 surf the web & see the news & all I can do is just live in the moment, & this is awesome!

   Someone's been spreading a rumor that I'm schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game...!

   Watching Biden wander around the white house (his house), completely confused, while no one wants to talk to him. Funny... but sad... but still funny.

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   How does it feel to be so weak that mere words offend you? Your ancestors must be so proud.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   Dating a church girl is the best. I cheat, we pray about it and blame the devil.

   I always keep pepper spray on me in case someone attacks or tries to make small talk.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.