Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't know what to tell you. He was just a quiet guy who kept to himself." -What my neighbors are say about me when it all goes wrong.

   Do I love my co workers ? No But are they really good at their job and make my life easier ? Also no

   Beaver's mother was Barbara Billingsley, you dum@$$!

   Answering your cell phone when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitch-hiker.

   Condolences to all the church sanctioned pedophiles, your Pedo king has died .

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   I'm cool...like the sweat from a snowman.

   High On Life 2

   IPA stands for “It’s Pee Actually” and I think that’s beautiful

   Some days I feel as if Lady Justice has taken off her blindfold, dipped it into some water and cracked me on the rear end with it.

   To help reduce cost, this written status was typed in china.

   Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her "He's busy" and then switch off the cell phone.

   New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years.

   May you all have a prosperous New Year in 2023. (I may need to borrow some money)

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.

   My New Years resolution is to try and put less than 5 chapsticks through the washer & dryer next year.

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   The police.... The only people who ever wanted me for who I really am.

   Joe exotic was going to do a Christmas song, But he hates carols