Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just accidentally sat on my phone and it said it recognized my face and unlocked.

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   When you click “accept cookies,” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?

   Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will. ~ Sasquatch

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   Just deleted everyone that I wouldn’t fist fight in a KFC parking lot. So, if you’re reading this, don’t let me catch you in a KFC parking lot.

   When she kisses you goodnight, but only on the forehead. “You forgot the pickle.”

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   I sent my Family Tree into ancestry.com. They sent me back a package of seeds and told me to start over. FML.