Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2022 pickup lines be like: Hey baby, wanna see my bunker and check out my canned food collection?

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.

   I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

   How can you face your problem, if your problem is your face?

   Ladies, post your man, lets see who has the same one.

   If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

   BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.

   Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?

   If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

   Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

   Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

   Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life..

   The best password cracking software is a pissed off ex.

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood..

   Mansplaining is a correctile dysfunction.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.