Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   My new dentist moonlights as a proctologist. He gives out toothbrushes called Anal-B.

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   The death toll rises: A man dies of a heart attack a year and a half after eating a corndog at the Jan. 6th riots.

   there anything I can destroy or eat in here? No? Well, you’re lucky to have me. ~ The Cat

   Running a country is like riding a bike. ~ Joe Biden

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.

   People aren’t really mad when you say, “Let’s Go Brandon.” They’re mad because you’re having fun when they spent four years being angry and joyless.

   I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   There s another Covid strain brewing, it’s called the election strain. Make sure you chose the red candidates this November in order to stop this strain.

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   Sir, we don’t sell guns here. Can I interest you in one of our various cordless hole punchers?

   Separating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce.