Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mike Hunt is wet

   Mike Hunt is itchy

   Mike Hunt is hairy

   Remember: When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher?

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow the hell down!

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   Who's the 👎 kweer?

   Who's the faigg with no life?

   The Olympics should have a separate boxing event for transgenders. They can hop in the ring and trade "blows."

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   I like the Old Normal better than the New Normal.

   The problem isn't the puppet or the puppeteer. It's the imbeciles in the audience screaming for an encore.

   It's a good thing farting isn't contagious like yawning is.

   Okay, so is Simone Biles done showing us her snatch? Can we please get to the Track & Field competitions now?

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password. FML.