Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Should’ve seen me at work today. Somewhere an OSHA Manual burst into flames.

   Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

   I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the stinking sewer

   i can promise you I will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

   If you ever think money isn't everything....try living without it..

   Ancient proverbs say "Nobody sleeps when the cat's bowl is empty".

   To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?

   My smart washer was compromised the S. Union so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. But here were no police officers involved.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   I would call you an idiot, but that would be insulting to idiots.

   Don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it REALLY works.

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   Man rule: Plastic water bottles must be crushed prior to disposing.

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!