Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

   The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

   Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

   My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

   Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

   Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

   Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

   I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

   Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

   The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

   If you think you have it tough, read history books.

   Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

   If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

   It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.

   According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

   There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

   Anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron.

   Are you from Mississippi? Because you're the only miss whose piss I'd sippi

   Not only did Benjamin Franklin discover electricity, he was also our greatest president.