Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i sent my ex coworker letters

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   Dear Teenage Pop-Tart taking a picture of yourself wearing a bikini in your bathroom mirror: I do not want to be your friend. Please go away. (Does your mother know you do this?)

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   In terms of fractions, the football quarterback is more revered than the halfback or the fullback. Does that mean if there was an eighthback, he'd be considered Godlike?

   Her: pour some sugar on me Me: but there are bees out though

   Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   My new home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   I've lived around the world, hold several degrees, prepared every dish from every cookbook, play many musical instruments and have been champion on several international game shows. My name is Bindair Dundat.

   My favorite part of the Olympics is when it's over.

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   never done absentee ballot voting before. Do I mail all 7 back at one time or space them out?

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   Friday night

   I do what my guitar tells me to do. 🤟

   busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.