Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

   I think my wife is hallucinating..... She keeps telling me she's seeing other people

   If it can’t be fixed with duct tape…then you aren’t using enough duct tape.

   Me wearing Nike shorts is kind of like a minivan with racing stripes.

   If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

   By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

   Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

   i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am I gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

   Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

   If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

   Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

   Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

   Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

   If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

   It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   You’re only as good as your last haircut.

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.