Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ne dis jamais je t'aime

   Self-Checkout should include an employee discount.

   My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

   20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head 30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle 40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

   *secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

   One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

   If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

   A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

   Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

   Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.